This is how we do it: ‘I’ve been pregnant for almost our entire relationship’

Sol, 38

João has been turned on by the changes pregnancy has brought so far

When I first met João, I thought he was quiet and a bit weird; he thought I was crazy and intense. But at a party last July, when I was back home in Portugal for a few months, I felt a carnal urge to go home with him. We spent the next two days in a bubble having wild sex, and before the summer was up I was pregnant with his child. I was living in Mexico at the time, so if I hadn’t gotten pregnant, I don’t know if we would have survived the long distance.

I realised I was in love with João the day after we got together. It took him a little longer, but I remember seeing it in his face when it clicked. I’d thought he was sweet and innocent, unlike the alphas I’d dated before. Then I found out he’d slept with six people the month before we got together, including my friend. I’m not usually a jealous person, and maybe it’s the hormones, but with João I feel possessive.

I have masculine alpha energy, but in bed I’m softer, more submissive. We complement each other very well in that way – João is very masculine in bed and I can see how much he desires me, but emotionally he’s more feminine. In my experience, most men don’t want to be with an alpha and get turned off by a woman who is too sexual, but João isn’t threatened.

I haven’t orgasmed since I’ve been pregnant. It’s not that the desire isn’t there – I still get turned on, but physically it just feels numb. And I can tell João doesn’t enjoy it as much because of that. When João and I first met, we would film each other while having sex, but we haven’t done that since I got pregnant. I haven’t given him a blowjob since either, which I usually love doing. But the honesty and humour between us means he’s not offended by any of that; it’s just a temporary phase.

Even though I’ve been pregnant for nearly our entire relationship, sex is a big part of our connection and of my identity, so I really hope that arousal comes back after I give birth. I worry about who I will be and who we’ll be as a couple if it doesn’t. But I think it will. João has been turned on by the changes pregnancy has brought so far. He loves the belly, the boobs, the physical reminder that we’ve made a life together.

João, 36

Sol’s pregnancy has changed the way we have sex, but I’m also attracted to the changes

The night we first had sex, a woman at the party assumed we were a couple, so we pretended that we’d been together for 10 years, then started making out as the bar was closing. It was a crazy night that turned into an entire summer. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but when we found out Sol was pregnant, I was thrilled. I hadn’t known whether I wanted to have kids, but when it happened it felt as if it was meant to be. Even though we were very new, I really trusted Sol, and she gave me the confidence to have this child with her.

Sol was living in Mexico at the time, while I was in Portugal, so we didn’t see each other for two months after that. To stay connected, we’d look at the photos and watch the videos we’d taken of us having sex. When I went to visit her, I was so excited to see her and her pregnant belly. But the sexual dynamic had changed. We both became more self-conscious and prudish, and the sex was less kinky. Sol’s pregnancy has changed the way we have sex, but I’m also attracted to the changes – it’s beautiful to see her body get ready for birth. Her chest is bigger, her belly is rounder and she has this internal glow. Our connection is stronger because we’re creating life together.

It’s easy to be close to Sol because she’s so open, almost shamelessly so. I can talk to her about anything and she’s not going to be shocked. But I’ve felt slightly disconnected from her since she has been pregnant.

We’re not as aligned as we were, and sometimes when we have sex it feels as if she’s doing it for me. Before she got pregnant, Sol had so much desire and we’d have spontaneous sex during the day, in the shower, on the beach. It was intense, and I hope that intensity returns after the baby is born.

The Guardian wp:paragraph