Your kids want to know why their new book (ordered 18 hours ago) is “taking so long” and need you “NOW” because Netflix “isn’t loading” (it “tu-dums” milliseconds later). For parents who had dial-up internet, endless TV adverts and long car journeys soundtracked by Dad’s AM Test cricket, modern kids’ inability to be patient can feel galling. Except, with our Deliveroo habit and boiling-water taps (who has time for a kettle?), we can be just as bad.
“Our environment and culture has trained our nervous systems to expect immediacy,” says Anna Mathur, psychotherapist and author of How to Stop Snapping at the People You Love (As Well As the Ones You Don’t). “The issue is our brains are plastic; they adapt to the level of easy dopamine we’ve got at our fingertips.” Our brains are changing, confirms child psychologist Dr Michele McDowell: “A recent study indicated the brain instantly responds to notifications and takes seven seconds to refocus. Consequently, the brain is becoming overstimulated and is increasingly more responsive. Over time, this erodes the brain’s capacity to tolerate waiting and to be patient. So each time your phone pings, it’s reshaping your mind’s ability to wait.”
I remember my own parents constantly reminding me that “Patience is a virtue!” Are today’s kids really worse than we were? Yes, and no, says clinical psychologist and co-founder of Kove mental health services Dr Jenna Vyas-Lee: “Children aren’t inherently less patient, but in a world where things happen very quickly, they may have fewer opportunities to practise waiting, persisting and working towards longer-term goals. Patience is a skill, and like any skill it develops with experience.”
It’s essential to develop that skill – because it’s a necessary one. “Patience underpins so much of life,” says Mathur. “It supports frustration, tolerance, empathy, long-term goal setting and emotional regulation.”
With that in mind, here’s how you can help build your kids’ patience – and your own.
Model it
Most experts say parents modelling patience is the surest way for kids to learn. Mathur suggests saying things like, “I feel frustrated. I’m going to take a breath before I answer,” or evidencing longer stretches of waiting – for example, “I would love to buy this dress, but I’m going to wait until payday.” Children are always watching: “The next time you’re waiting in line and are about to reach for your phone to fill the gap, don’t – model the art of nothingness,” advises McDowell. Finally, when you see them make the effort, celebrate it. Headspace family therapist Sarah Hodges explains: “Kids repeat what gets acknowledged, so naming their effort increases the chances they’ll try again next time.”
Build your own capacity
“Patience isn’t a personality trait; it’s actually a nervous system state,” says Mathur. “We need a buffer, a bit of energy that allows our cognitive brain to stay online. If we don’t have that, our amygdala – the threat system – perceives noise, discomfort or challenge as a threat and we are fuelled with stress hormones that find us reacting instead of responding.”
So, if you’re hoping to be more patient, “Build capacity before you need it. We often try to summon patience when we’re already at breaking point – build it proactively by planning.” Try things you know fill your personal battery, such as enforcing sleep boundaries or spending time outside to increase stress tolerance ahead of a patience-testing event, whether that be a difficult work meeting or dealing with a person you know can trigger you.
Practise the ‘patience of a vicar’
Forget the patience of a saint, the Rev Kate Bottley says she has honed her skills in hospital visits, long conversations with parishioners – and parenting: “It’s about surrendering” to situations, such as being stuck with someone telling you a long story you’ve heard before, and that it’s as much a physical act as a mental one. “You have to accept where you are. You feel your feet on the ground and listen more intently to the person that’s speaking,” she says. “Once you stop fighting it, things seem to go quicker anyway, because you’re not in the battle with yourself.”
Normalise waiting
When was the last time your kids had to wait for something, asks Dr Charlotte Armitage, psychologist and psychotherapist in parenting, device use and child development. In her work with schools she is increasingly seeing older children unable to even queue. “Normalise waiting for everything and anything, where safe and appropriate,” she says. “If they want an answer from you straight away but you’re in the middle of doing something, tell them that you’re busy but will discuss the matter with them when you’ve finished the task.” She says parents who have stopped kids using screens at mealtimes“noticed a dramatic improvement in their communication skills, tolerance for loud environments and boredom, and patience”.
Headteacher Sean Helliwell-Kenny agrees. When he was teaching early years, he set up enticing new play areas and made kids wait days until it could be used. “They’d be itching to get into these areas, and by developing their patience skills they treated those areas well, played correctly in them and tidied them, because they had waited so long to finally get in there,” he says.
Walk it out
Journalist Kathryn Jezer-Morton’s parenting column went viral in January, when she resolved to make 2026 the year of “friction-maxxing” for her family – “the process of building up tolerance for ‘inconvenience’” in a world that offers the opposite. She advises prioritising walking. “My 12-year-old walks around by himself all the time,” she says. “He walks himself home from his friends who live 20 minutes away. I could go pick him up, but I don’t want him to expect that I always will. No Ubers unless it’s an absolute emergency. For little kids, just walking accompanied by an adult, instead of driving everywhere, is a great start. Stamina of the body and stamina of the mind are not totally unrelated.”
Resist problem-solving
It’s worth considering whether your helicopter parenting is removing opportunities for learning patience. “One of the most powerful things parents can do is resist solving problems too quickly,” says Vyas-Lee. “When a child says, ‘I can’t do this,’ instead of stepping in immediately, it can help to say something like, ‘Let’s try one more step together.’ That small pause gives children the chance to work through frustration and discover they can cope with difficulty. It’s also helpful to talk openly about frustration. Let children know that feeling impatient when something is hard is completely normal; it’s part of learning.”
Use props
“Young children struggle with abstract time,” says Mathur, so use props such as visual timers. Hodges also recommends clear timelines, such as “after dinner”.
“I use music with my kids,” she says. “Try: ‘After three songs we will …’ Music gives them something concrete to track, helps shift their focus, and gets their bodies moving while they wait. That movement can help release built-up energy, regulate their nervous system, and significantly decrease frustration during the wait.”
Mathur also suggests building patience into games: “For instance, who can stay quiet the longest, or spot the most red things in the room while you wait.” She adds: “Playfulness shifts the brain out of frustration and makes the wait feel shorter.”
McDowell says stories like The Hungry Caterpillar or ‘Slowly, Slowly, Slowly’ Said the Sloth can illustrate patience and appreciating slowness. She also suggests using the “if/then” method. Try saying, “If you finish your chores, then you can play.” Or, “If you read one chapter, then you can use the PlayStation.” She adds: “Every time a child is able to stop before taking an action they are developing their ability to be patient.”
Meditation
Meditation could be a key tool for expanding your patience, reducing stress by settling down your nervous system. Jillian Lavender, a co-founder of the London Meditation Centre, especially favours Vedic meditation – the practice involves a mantra that is repeated silently or quietly to bring your mind back to stillness. She says it can work well with children: “When I teach Vedic meditation to children, they settle down very quickly. The first thing you notice is the change in their body. Children who were restless and fidgety are quiet and settled within minutes. They come out feeling calm and are more able to be patient when things don’t go as planned.”
Be realistic
While parents can do a lot, then, it’s important to know what is realistic, developmentally, for kids. If nothing else, it might help your patience with their progress. “A baby requires immediate access to their caregivers, but as they mature, their brain develops and so does the tolerance to regulate their emotions around having to wait,” says McDowell. “This is a main focus of play-based learning – to support a child to wait their turn and understand that it is OK to not receive something immediately. By the age of seven, it is expected that most children understand the concept of patience and are beginning to put it into practice.”
“Patience is developmental,” agrees Mathur. “Young children are not wired for long delays because the brain regions involved in self-regulation are still maturing well into the 20s.”
Interrogate your impatience
Don’t necessarily just scold yourself for your own impatience – it could be a sign that something needs attention, says Mathur. Interrogate where it’s coming from to try to fix the source, whether that’s overload, lack of sleep or a deeper situation at home or work. “When we respond to those signals with curiosity and compassion instead of shame, we can create more space between trigger and reaction,” she says.
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